Sunday, April 24, 2011

Living a Nightmare.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living a nightmare.  A really elaborate one complete with sleep walking and going through the motions of every day life.

One day I will wake up and this will have been one extremely long bad dream, and everything will be alright again - I will have my daddy back again.
But deep down I know this is not true.  There will be no awakening.  

This is not just some horrible dream.  This is reality.

And I must face the fact that my daddy will most likely not be able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.  He will most likely never know his grandchildren.  He will never travel to the places he's never been and has always wanted to see.

This pain inside of me will never go away.  It may lessen with time, but it will always be there - a hole in my heart where the future with my dad is supposed to be.

I used to think I had lots of time left to spend with my parents.  But now I realize how precious right now is.

I will try to not get impatient when I cannot understand what he wants.  I will try not to be annoyed if he wakes me from a nap when he needs something.  These are selfish feelings that will pass, that I regret having.  

I will try to make sure he is comfortable.  I will try to be more open about expressing  how much I love him.

As a child you think that your parents will live forever and will always be there for you.  It is difficult to suddenly be blindsided by the fact that this is not true.

Sometimes I feel like life has kicked me in the face.  Repeatedly.

8 comments:

  1. You're allowed to be impatient and annoyed. That you have the strength and willingness to do all you do in spite of these very human emotions says much about you. You're a credit to your parents.

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  2. Allison,

    I was so sorry to hear about your Dad. Don't stop writing, it's therapeutic. Life is rough, but loss isn't the end. Definitely keep writing, seriously, you've got a lot to say, and many would benefit from hearing it. I'm always here for you.

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  3. Allison,

    This is EXACTLY how i feel/felt when my Dad was diagnosed. Now that he is gone, it can be even worse, but it is slowly getting better over time. I think you have already looked at my blog: http://mylifeinanightmare.blogspot.com/
    I will link your blog to mine, will you please do the same? I think that if we (those who suffer so much from the consequences of ALS) join forces, we can really help others and make a difference. I am so sorry about your Dad. Keep writing! It has really helped me cope with the disease itself and the loss of my dear Daddy.

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  4. You took so many words right out of my mouth. You are not alone in this, we are here with you. Keep writing. I find that it makes things a bit easier for me to get my feelings out there. Yell, scream, cry, be mad. Those are all human emotions and it's ok to be mad. You arent mad at your dad, its the disease. We all have your back and we're all in the same boat, so we might as well stick together and help each other through the hard times.

    Lindsey

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